Difficult behaviour in children

People have different ideas about what is good and bad behaviour. What you consider to be bad behaviour might seem normal to other parents, and the other way round.

Your circumstances can affect how you judge your child's behaviour. For example, it’s much harder for you to cope with your child's mess if you haven’t got much space.

Parents also react to their children’s behaviour in different ways. Some are stricter than others and some are more patient.

Your child’s character will also make a difference. For example, some children react to stress by being noisy and wanting extra attention. Others withdraw and hide away.

 

Possible reasons for difficult behaviour

There are many reasons for difficult behaviour. Here are a few possibilities:

• Any change in a child’s life can be difficult for them. This could be the birth of a new baby, moving house, a change of childminder, starting playgroup or something much smaller.
• Children are quick to notice if you’re feeling upset or there are problems in the family. They may behave badly when you feel least able to cope. If you’re having problems don’t blame yourself, but don’t blame your child either if they react with difficult behaviour.
• Sometimes your child may react in a particular way because of how you’ve handled a problem in the past. For example, if you’ve given your child sweets to keep them quiet at the shops, they may expect sweets every time you go there.
• Your child might see a tantrum as a way of getting attention (even if it’s bad attention). They may wake up at night as a way of getting a cuddle and some company. Give them more attention when they’re behaving well and less when they’re being difficult.
• Think about the times when your child’s behaviour is most difficult. Could it be because they’re tired, hungry, overexcited, frustrated or bored?

If your child is behaving badly, first consider whether their behaviour is a problem. Do you need to do something about it now or is it a phase they'll grow out of? It may be best to live with it for a while.

Think about whether your child’s behaviour is a problem for other people. Behaviour that might not worry you can become a problem when it affects those around you.

Sometimes, taking action can make the problem worse. However, if a problem is causing you and your child distress, or upsetting the rest of the family, it’s important to deal with it.

Do what feels right. What you do has to be right for your child, you and the family. If you do something you don’t believe in or that you don’t feel is right, it probably won’t work. Children notice when you don’t mean what you’re saying.

Don't give up. Once you’ve decided to do something, continue to do it. Solutions take time to work. Get support from your partner, a friend, another parent, or your doctor. It’s good to have someone to talk to about what you’re doing.

Be consistent. Children need consistency. If you react to your child’s behaviour in one way one day and a different way the next, it’s confusing for them. It’s also important that everyone close to your child deals with the problem in the same way.

Don't over react. This can be difficult. When your child does something annoying time after time, your anger and frustration can build up. It’s easy to take your feelings out on them. If this happens, the whole situation can get worse. It's impossible not to show your irritation and anger sometimes, but try to stay in control. Once you’ve told your child off, move on to other things that you can both enjoy or feel good about. Find other ways to cope with your frustration, like talking to other parents about how you feel.

Talk to your child. Children don’t have to be able to talk to understand. It can help if they understand why you want them to do something. For example, explain why you want them to hold your hand while crossing the road, or get into the buggy when it’s time to go home.

Encourage your child to talk to you. Giving your child the opportunity to explain why they’re angry or upset will help reduce their frustration.

Be positive about the good things. When a child’s behaviour is difficult, the things they do well can be overlooked. Tell your child when you're pleased about something they’ve done. You can let your child know when they make you happy by giving them attention, a hug or a smile. There doesn’t have to be a reason. Let your child know you love him just for being himself.

Offer rewards. You can help your child by rewarding them for behaving well. For example, praise them or give them their favourite food for tea. If your child behaves well, tell them how pleased you are. Be specific. Say something like, "Well done for putting your toys back in the box when I asked you."

Don’t give your child a reward before they’ve done what they were asked to do. That’s a bribe, not a reward.

Avoid smacking. Smacking may stop a child doing what they’re doing at that moment, but it doesn't have a lasting positive effect.

Children learn by example, so if you hit your child you’re telling them that hitting is an acceptable way to behave. Children who are treated aggressively by their parents are more likely to be aggressive themselves. It’s better to teach by example rather than behave in the way you're asking them not to behave.

There are more effective alternatives to smacking to control your child’s behaviour.

 

Extra help with difficult behaviour

You can get help for especially difficult behaviour, so don’t feel you have to cope alone. Talk to your doctor.

Sometimes, a bit of support and encouragement might be all you need. Some children may need to be referred to a specialist where they can get the help they need.

Having a child whose behaviour is very difficult can put a huge strain on you. You might need help yourself. Speak to your doctor about support groups in your area.

 

Temper Tantrums

Temper tantrums usually start at around 18 months and are very common at that age. One in five two-year-olds has a temper tantrum every day.

One reason for this is that two-year-olds want to express themselves but find it difficult. They feel frustrated and the frustration comes out as a tantrum. Once a child can talk more they’re less likely to have tantrums. Tantrums are far less common by the age of four.

These ideas may help you to cope with tantrums when they happen:

• Find out why the tantrum is happening. Your child may be tired or hungry, in which case the solution is simple. They could be feeling frustrated or jealous, maybe of another child. They may need time, attention and love, even though they’re not being very lovable.
• Understand and accept your child’s anger. You probably feel the same way yourself at times, but you can express it in other ways.
• Find a distraction. If you think your child is starting a tantrum, find something to distract them with straightaway. This could be something you can see out of the window. Say, for example, "Look! A cat". Make yourself sound as surprised and interested as you can.
• Wait for it to stop. Losing your temper or shouting back won’t end the tantrum. Ignore the looks you get from people around you and concentrate on staying calm. Giving in won’t help in the long term. If you’ve said no, don’t change your mind and say yes just to end the tantrum. Otherwise, your child will start to think that tantrums can get them what they want. For the same reason, it doesn’t help to bribe them with sweets or treats. If you’re at home, try going into another room for a while. Make sure your child can’t hurt themself first.
• Be prepared when you're out shopping. Tantrums often happen in shops. This can be embarrassing, and embarrassment makes it harder to stay calm. Keep shopping trips short. Start by going out to buy one or two things only, and build up from there. Involve your child in the shopping by talking about what you need and letting them help you.
• Try holding your child firmly until the tantrum passes. Some parents find this helpful, but it can be hard to hold a struggling child. It usually works when your child is more upset than angry and when you’re feeling calm enough to talk to them gently and reassure them.

 

Hitting, biting, kicking and fighting

Most young children occasionally bite, hit or push another child. Toddlers are curious and may not understand that biting or pulling hair hurts.

This doesn’t mean your child will grow up to be aggressive. Here are ways to teach your child that this behaviour is unacceptable:

• Don’t hit, bite or kick back. This could make your child think it’s acceptable to do this. Instead, make it clear that what they’re doing hurts and that you won’t allow it.
• Take them out of the situation. If you’re with other children, say you’ll leave or ask the other children to leave unless your child's behaviour improves. You must be prepared to carry this out if you want it to work.
• Put your child in another room. If you’re at home, try this for a short period. Check that they're safe before you leave them. 
• Talk to them. Children often go through phases of being upset or insecure, and express their feelings by being aggressive. Finding out what’s worrying them is the first step to being able to help.
• Show them you love them, but not their behaviour. Children may be behaving badly because they need more love. Show you love them by praising good behaviour and giving them plenty of cuddles when they're not behaving badly. 
• Help them let their feelings out in another way. Find a big space, such as a park, and encourage your child to run and shout. Letting your child know that you recognise their feelings will make it easier for them to express themselves without hurting anyone else. You could try saying things like, “I know you’re feeling angry about…". As well as showing you recognise their frustration, it will help them be able to name their own feelings and think about them.
• Ask an expert. If you’re seriously concerned about your child’s behaviour, talk to your doctor.

 

Struggling with your child’s behaviour?

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent. All parents have bad days, and most go through phases when one bad day seems to follow another.

Most children go through periods of being awkward about certain things. The most common are dressing, eating or going to bed.

If you’re tired or moody, or if your child is tired or difficult, it can be hard to get on well together all day. You can end up arguing non-stop. Even the smallest thing can make you angry. If you go out to work it’s especially disappointing when the short amount of time you’ve got to spend with your child is spoilt by arguments.

If your child knows they’re making you cross and upset, their behaviour may become even worse. This makes you more upset so they carry on behaving badly, and so on.

Here are some methods that can help:

• Change the timetable. If you’re going through a bad patch, a change of routine or a change in the way you deal with things can be enough to stop the cycle of difficult behaviour. An argument that always happens when you perform a particular task may not happen if you do the same task at another time. Try to do the difficult things when your child isn’t tired or hungry, or when they're most co-operative. For example, try dressing them after breakfast instead of before, or have lunch earlier than you normally would.
• Find things that your child enjoys and do them together. It doesn’t have to be special or expensive. Go for a swim, to the library or to play in the park. Let your child know that you’re happy when they’re happy. They’ll start to learn that a happy parent is more fun to be with than an angry one.
• Ask yourself whether it really matters. Having an argument or telling your child off can become a habit. Sometimes it matters and sometimes it doesn’t. 
• Say sorry. When you lose your temper because you’re tired or upset, apologise. You’ll both feel better for it.
• Remember, all children are different. Some like sitting still and being quiet, while others want to learn and explore. If your child is active, the best thing you can do is give them as many opportunities as possible to explore safely.
• Remember, the way you and your partner behave has an effect on your child. If you and your partner are having difficulties, contact a counsellor to help.
• Young children are still learning. Children under three can’t always understand and remember what they should and shouldn’t do. Even after this age it’s hard for a child to remember instructions.
• No one’s perfect. You’re not perfect and neither is your child. It's important not to expect too much of yourselves.
• Look after yourself. Looking after young children can be physically and emotionally exhausting. Having some time to yourself can help you cope better. Have an early night and talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

 

Talk about it

 

It helps to talk to and spend time with other people, especially other parents. It’s often only other parents who understand. They may look calm and capable from the outside (and are probably thinking the same about you), but they get angry and frustrated too.

A local parenting group can provide a good opportunity to chat. Groups don’t suit everybody, but they can be a good way of making friends and spending time with people who’ve got children the same age as you. If the first group you try doesn’t suit you, it’s worth trying another one.

If every day has been a bad day for a while and you feel that things are getting out of control, get some help. Talk to your health visitor or phone a helpline. Talking to someone who understands what you’re going through can be the first step towards making things better.

Confidential support and advice

Sometimes you may have other problems. If you’re miserable, trying to be happy for your child’s sake may seem impossible. You can always talk confidentially to your doctor.

 

Is my child overactive?

All young children are active, and it’s normal for them to have lots of energy. Children should be active on a daily basis; getting lots of exercise is good for their health and it’s fun.

Many children are overactive. Some (around 3-9% of school-aged children and young people) suffer from attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which is what used to be known as hyperactivity.

A lot of children who have behaviour problems and difficulty concentrating are not overactive, or they may be suffering from only a mild form of hyperactivity. The challenge for parents and health professionals is to recognise the difference between normal behaviour problems and ADHD symptoms, which require early treatment.

Below are some tips on coping with an overactive child. If these don’t help, talk to your doctor.

• Keep to a daily routine. Routine can help if your child is restless or difficult. It can also help you to stay calm and cope with the strain.
• Dedicate time to your child. Because your child may be demanding your attention for most of the day (and sometimes the night too), you’ll often have to say no to them. That will be easier to do and easier for your child to accept if there's a time each day when you give them all your attention.
• Avoid difficult situations. For example, keep shopping trips short.
• Try to go out every day. Go to a park, playground or other safe, open space where your child can run around and use up energy.
• Avoid giving your child cola drinks, tea and coffee. These all contain caffeine, which can make children hyperactive. Sugar can have a similar effect.
• Set small goals. Help your child to sit still or be controlled. Encourage them to concentrate for a very short time, then gradually build up. Remember, you can’t transform your child’s behaviour overnight.

 

Teaching everyday essentials

When children play, they’re learning what they want to learn. Often these will be things you want them to learn too.

Sometimes, though, they may need some extra help from you. For example, when they’re learning to use a potty, how to wash and dress themselves or what not to touch and where it’s not safe to run.

The following suggestions can make life easier for both of you: 

• Wait until you think your child is ready. If you try to teach them something too soon, you’ll both end up getting frustrated. If you try teaching them something and it doesn’t work out, leave it for a few weeks and try again.
• Don’t make it into a big deal. Your child might learn to eat with a spoon very quickly but still want to be fed when they’re tired. They might use the potty a few times then want to go back to nappies. Don’t worry. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It won’t take them long to realise that they want to learn to be grown up and independent.
• Keep them safe. Children under three can’t understand why they shouldn’t fiddle with electrical goods or breakable objects. It’s easier to keep things you don’t want touched well out of their way.
• Be encouraging. Your child wants to please you. If you give them a big smile, a cuddle or praise when they do something right, they’re much more likely to do it again. This works a lot better than telling them off for doing something wrong.
• Be realistic. Don't expect perfection or instant results. If you assume everything is going to take a bit longer than you thought, you will be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't.
• Set an example. Your child wants to be like you and do what you do. Let them see you washing, brushing your teeth and using the loo.
• Be firm. Children need firm, consistent guidelines. Once you’ve made a decision, stick to it. For example, if you start potty training but decide your child isn’t ready, it’s fine to give up and try again a few weeks later. But a child who’s in nappies one day, out of them the next day and back in them the day after is bound to get confused.
• Be consistent. For the same reason, it’s important that everyone who looks after your child teaches them the same things in more or less the same way. If you and your partner, or you and your childminder, do things very differently, your child won’t learn as easily.
• Do what’s right for your child, for you and the way you live. Don’t worry about what the child next door can or can’t do. It’s not a competition.